Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
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After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.