Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
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Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby