Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
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I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.