Bloody internet 馃槼
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Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn鈥檛 become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
Don鈥檛 be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
People who think it鈥檚 okay to drop by,
It鈥檚 not okay. If you aren鈥檛 carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That鈥檚 Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
I have a friend who鈥檚 SUPER into Shakespeare.
She鈥檚 bardcore.
I鈥檓 really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
Me: It鈥檚 such a nice day, I鈥檓 going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You鈥檙e right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it鈥檚 the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: 鈥kay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.