Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
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Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
mood
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes