*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
You Might Also Like
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?