Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
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Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer