Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
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A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.