Bluesky is fine but every single post on my feed is talking about twitter and how much better things are than twitter and it’s giving big “oh I’m TOTALLY over my ex” vibes
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Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
Dumple
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
If I ever went to jail for murder it would be for murdering my printer.
“the best laid plans of mice & men oft go astray” sure but i bet mice are bringing down the average
(3:12am)
My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.