Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
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5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
When you kidnap a writer.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.