Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
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Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis