[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
You Might Also Like
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
Jail
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*