[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
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My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.