[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
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a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
Oh hi lol
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?