[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
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“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
just witnessed a drug deal
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.