[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
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My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.