“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
You Might Also Like
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission