Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
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His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
I hate everything
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?