boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
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Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
Me: I don鈥檛 really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let鈥檚 keep it that way.
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
just had a salad but it didn鈥檛 make me laugh like women in stock photos
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I鈥檓 gonna need you to try.
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
馃ぃ
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.