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My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough