Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
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I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
My zodiac sign is pistachio
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it