@TheOnion

Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?

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@smithsara79

Roses are red, violets are-

Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!

@scarebro

“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.

@RandiLawson

Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now

@DurtMcHurtt

TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?

ME: *hand up*

TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.

ME: *hand down*

@Home_Halfway

Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?

Me: When she comes

Him: I know but when

Me: When she comes dude

Him: That’s not a time

Me: I’m going off of the information I have

Him: Do you know the horses she has?

Me: Yes six white horses

Him: See how do you know that

@cherryzigzags

I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”

@maughammom

Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.

@Thynebear

[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*

@SexySpainNights

Him: Are you mad?

Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing

Her: No, I’m fine, why?

@david8hughes

Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat