Body by Oreos
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Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”