Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
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A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
This kid is going places
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.