Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
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I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k