Body: it’s sleepy time.
Brain: it’s thinky time.
You Might Also Like
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
So my husband grew up on a rural cattle farm, and later became a massive history buff.
He recently decided to invest hours of research into tracing his family line all the way back to 15th century Sweden:
— where they were all rural cattle farmers.
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
I feel like people just come to the airport to cough
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
This why you should mind your business
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
There’s something about Dracula I just don’t trust
turning a backwards chair forwards and sitting down normally to let my students know I have no interest in relating to them
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
The 6 types of sex
