Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
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At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit