Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
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the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
hmmm
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”