Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
You Might Also Like
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
yea so i messed up lol
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
bad news gang
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.