body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
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“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.