Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
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this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
This made me smile…
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?