Boeing astronauts racking up that sweet overtime.
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Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
Oops 🤭
The best part about Smarties is pouring them into an empty prescription bottle and shaking them all into my mouth while in line at the bank
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
Just as the prophecy foretold
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?