[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
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awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
“i miss shittin on people”
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
Me trying to walk in a dream
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.