“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
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[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
Imma just leave this here…………
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with