Bold of you to assume I have the energy to even climb a hill to die on.
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I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
boat question
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
My therapist told me that constantly fantasising about living off grid in a woodland cottage that doubles as a library that triples as an animal rescue centre, is actually a coping mechanism & a sign of exhaustion.
To which I say, well imaginary you is no longer invited
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
i really liked this one
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?