bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
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The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”