*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
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All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not