Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
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Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea