Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
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WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.