Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
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Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too