Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
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My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*