Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
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The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
I really had high hopes for this year though
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.