Bond. Trauma bond.
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Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.