Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
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4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
who wants to go expliring
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
(yawn)
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
#NeverForget
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.