Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
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DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.