[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
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A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
Leonardo DiCaprisun
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.