BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
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Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
Did my cat write this
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
What I say and what I mean are three different things.