[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
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Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
5 ways to appear taller
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park