@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
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jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.