[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
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Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?