Boom, boom, ching!
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I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
White Castle for the Win
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer